im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
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