It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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