i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
