My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
