how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
