i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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