Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
