i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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