I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
