I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
