i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
