1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
