I wish my penis had an off switch
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
