Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
