census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
