I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
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