just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
