K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
