dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
