cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
