Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
