when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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