i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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