someone threw a dead crab at me
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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