And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
