she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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