i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
