Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
