i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
