i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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