I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
