Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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