We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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