I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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