somebody snuck up and got me drunk
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
