Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
