On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Your topless pictures make me question reality
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
