I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Randomize
