Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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