I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
