The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
