you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
