when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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