I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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