Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
