Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
