I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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