I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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