Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
tell me about the eggs
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
