So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
