Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
