did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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