I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
